Stan: Thank you. [looks over his Map To The Stars' Homes] This must be the place. [they walk through a side door right under a guard's nose. He fails to notice them. They walk up the driveway and past the massive fountain]Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. [rings the doorbell. The door opens and Mel appears]
Yes?
Stan: Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny. Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please?
You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home.
Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.
Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first. [unbuttons his shirt] But I won't tell you where I keep my money. [takes off his shirt] You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you!
Stan: Tor- torture you?
[removes his pants and socks] Ha! So you do intend to torture me, huh?! [runs up to a torture rack and lies down in it] Well go ahead! Do your worst! [shackles himself in] You still won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out!
Stan: We don't want to torture you.
I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall!
Stan: Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you?
[unshackles himself and walks up to the boys] I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! [whips out a hat and banjo, puts on the hat, and starts playing] Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus!
Stan: Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!
How dare you call me crazy! This means war! [jumps up and whoops like Pocahontas, twirls around a few times, and fires off blanks at the boys. Stan and Kenny run]
Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You wanna get outta here? Talk to me. [resumes hopping like a mad rabbit]
Stan: Mel Gibson is freaking crazy dude! [catches a glimpse of a wallet on a table] Wait! There's his wallet! [runs up to it with Kenny]
Freedom! [Stan grabs the wallet and rifles through it]
Stan: Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny? [Kenny hands Stan $2]
Jesus is Lord! [Stan puts the $2 in and takes out $20]
Stan: All right, let's get the heck out of here! [heads for the doors and opens one. Mel dances in wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit. Stan and Kenny head for another pair of doors. Stan opens it and Mel enters dressed as a clown]
When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously!
Stan: Aah! Run, dude, run!
[hopping out behind them, in Braveheart face paint and wielding a sword] K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, frieeeeeeends!
Stan: Well, it looks like with these bus tickets, we spent about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson. [net loss, sixty-nine dollars] But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters.
Kenny: (Yeah. I agree.) [a truck horn blows and Stan stands to see who it is. Kenny joins him]
Stan: Oh, you've got to be kiddin' me. [Mel Gibson closes in fast in his Mad Max gas truck and wearing Braveheart face paint]
Give me back my money! [blows his horn again]
Stan: Goddamn, that guy's crazy. [hops off his seat and runs up to the driver] Hey dude, you've gotta speed up.
Driver: Huh?
Stan: Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster.
Driver: Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games.
Stan: I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- [Mel plows into the bus, making both vehicles screech. The riders sway in their seats]
Driver: What the hell?
[shaking his fist in the air] Haaaa! K'Plaaaa!
Driver: Hey! That's Mel Gibson!
Stan: Yeah. I told you that!
Driver: Well, what the heck does he want?!
Stan: He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it.
Driver: You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man. [Mel rams into them again]
Give me my eighteen dollars!
Cartman: Mel! Gibson! [brightens and approaches him, then grovels at his feet] Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! [grovels some more] Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?!
Ha! [ignores Cartman and walks up to Stan and Kenny] So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! [grabs his nipples and falls on his knees. The crowd steps back as he twists his nipples] Oh, my nipples are so tender! Don't squeeze them anymore!
Ticket Salesman: That's... Mel Gibson?
Jack: H- he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured.
[backs up towards a building]Yeah... [grabs a piece of slime from his hands, turns around, and defaces the building] I'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you?!
Kyle: [joins Stan and Kenny] Dude, what's wrong with him?
Stan: He's koo-koo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind.
You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? [gets down on all fours and hoists his ass up] Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it!
Kyle: Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie?
[rises and walks up to the boys] Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars!
Stan: It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucks!
You can't say my movie sucks, or else you're saying Christianity sucks!
Stan: No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed. Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results.
Jack: You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ.
Ticket Salesman: Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.
Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!
Kyle: Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche. [a grinning Mel squats and farts on Cartman]
Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! [hops towards the camera.]
